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- The Anxiety Of Gentle Parenting
Last week I came across a long article in the FT Weekend titled 'The Anxiety Of Gentle Parenting'. This issue of Education & Catastrophe is my take on gentle parenting versus good enough parenting and why the latter should be talked about more.
The basic premise of gentle parenting is the importance of validating the child's feelings, above all else.
"In gentle parenting, there is no bribery, no "good job", no sticker charts and no punishment. Kids should be motivated to do things for the internal reward rather than the external validation, just as they should not be motivated to do something because of the threat of some privilege being taken away."
Gentle parenting places a huge burden on parents, both in terms of the level of hands-on parenting needed to make it work and the emotional baggage of being silent martyrs, pretending that their feelings don't matter. The conditions under which parents parent vary widely, as do the type of kids. The context for every parent is different, and every child is unique. Gentle parenting seems to assume that every parent can be singularly focused on parenting their child all the time. Hence the 'anxiety' in the title of the FT article. Parents are made to feel anxious that they are not doing their best for their child.
"It just made me feel bad about myself. Not to mention the long-term implications for a generation of children raised on an approach that puts so much emphasis on kids' feelings and so little emphasis on everyone else's.
I'm concerned we're going to raise a generation of narcissists."
It's important to acknowledge a child's feelings, but not at the expense of letting the child ignore everybody else's feelings. Placing the toddler's feelings above all else risks bringing up kids who grow up believing they are the centre of the universe and that everything else revolves around them.
So, where does this leave us? Good enough parenting instead of gentle parenting, as espoused by British paediatrician DW Winnicott in the 1950s. Winnicott conceded that parenting is difficult and complex and that no one can be a perfect parent. However, he also argued that most parents are 'normal', that is, without significant emotional disturbance, have sound instincts, and are doing just fine with the job of parenting a child.
"Children don't need big bells and whistles. What they need is actually very grounded. Chief among them: a predictable routine and caregivers whom they know love them and whom they know they can rely upon to keep them safe. In many cases, that security comes from the confidence of the parent."
In the first issue of Education & Catastrophe I wrote about attachment theory and the importance of a secure base from which a child can thrive and flourish. The secure base is formed by providing consistent, reliable care and being attuned to the needs of the child. Given that I have five kids, gentle parenting simply isn't an option for me. I cannot make eye contact with a child all day (with five kids, I'll need an extra couple of pairs of eyes). Neither do I want my kids to grow up expecting that their feelings matter more than everyone else's (again, with five kids, whose feelings do I prioritise)? I prefer to use playfulness, acceptance, curiosity and empathy (see PACE framework in issue 1 of Education & Catastrophe) to engage with my kids and give them a sense of safety.
Parenting is not easy, but we don't need to make it any harder by trying to practise a form of parenting that is unrealistic, recommended by 'experts' who profit from manufacturing an insecurity and offering a quick fix.
"What I see is parents with anxiety about whether they're good enough or doing it correctly or whether they're going to harm their children, exacerbated by not just the particulars of gentle parenting, but how it kind of presents itself in this commodified, Instagram-y way."
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Remember, it's hard work being a great parent to your child. You're doing your best.
Till the next issue!