Attachment Theory & Learning

Attachment Theory & Learning

Welcome to the first edition of Education & Catastrophe, named after a quote by the futurist H. G. Wells in 1922.

Education today is a relic from the industrial age a hundred years ago. I am not holding my breath for system change to happen soon enough to impact my kids (I have five between 3 and 11). This newsletter is for parents who want their children to find their place in the world and navigate the complexities of life. Let's get straight into it.

British psychoanalyst John Bowlby came up with attachment theory to explain how the relationship between primary caregiver and child affects the child's "internal working model", which is drawn upon when the child engages with the world.

Secure base and learning opportunities

The secure base is formed by providing consistent, reliable care and being attuned to the needs of the child. Bowlby believed that the bonds formed between primary caregiver and child have a tremendous impact on the child that continues throughout life. Without a secure base, the child misses out on learning opportunities because of anxiety and lack of confidence. It is worth noting, however, that a child’s "internal working model" is just that, a working model, with new relationships and experiences having the potential to create positive change (Schofield & Beek, 2018).

Playfulness - Acceptance - Curiosity - Empathy

Clinical psychologist Dan Hughes developed the PACE framework for parents to help their child form a secure attachment with them.

• Playfulness - inviting the child to engage with care with no serious goals or purpose.

• Acceptance - moving on from bad behaviour quickly (without ignoring consequences) in order to get to a point where the child takes acceptance as a given. This allows them to reflect on their behaviour, knowing they will not be judged for what they have done.

• Curiosity - showing an interest in the child's emotional and physical well-being.

• Empathy - showing empathy towards the child so the child can also show empathy towards the parent. Conversations about how the parent feels will help build up attachment.

Scenario: A 7-year-old child, Alex, is struggling with trust and attachment issues. He often acts out, has difficulty following rules, and becomes defiant when asked to do something.

Using the PACE framework:

1. Playfulness - Parent: In a playful and lighthearted tone, "Hey Alex, I need your super speed to help me pick up these toys. Ready? Go!" Action: The parent turns tidying up into a game, engaging Alex's imagination and making the task more enjoyable.

2. Acceptance - Parent: Sits down at eye level with Alex, who is refusing to do his homework, and says, "I can see that you're feeling frustrated about homework right now. It's okay to feel that way."

   Action: The parent acknowledges Alex's emotions without judgment, creating a safe space for him to express his feelings.

3. Curiosity - Parent: Gently asks, "I'm wondering if something happened at school today that might be making you feel upset about doing homework?"

   Action: The parent shows genuine interest in Alex's feelings and experiences, encouraging him to open up and share.

4. Empathy - Parent: Responds, "It sounds like you're feeling overwhelmed by all the changes, and homework might be making it harder. I'm here to help and we can figure this out together."

   Action: The parent demonstrates understanding and compassion, letting Alex know that he's not alone in his struggles and that they will work through it together.

By using the PACE framework in this scenario, the parents are promoting a secure attachment with Alex, validating his feelings, and creating a supportive environment where he feels understood and accepted. Over time, this approach can help build trust and emotional connection, leading to positive behavioural changes and improved overall well-being for the child.

Remember that applying the PACE framework requires practice, patience, and consistency, as building strong relationships and healing attachment difficulties takes time.

Conversation starters

One simple conversation starter I use with my kids is asking them to teach me something they learnt. Doing this shows them I'm curious about their lives, with the added benefit of making them think through something they learnt in order to explain it.

Here are some other ideas:

• "If you could have a robot friend, what kind of things would you do together?"

• "What's something you think is really cool that adults don't understand?"

• "What's your favourite thing about being a kid?"

• "If you had a magic treehouse, where would it take you?"

What questions can you ask your child to show you're interested in their life? Even better, ask questions that encourage dialogue. You'll be surprised by what you learn.

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