To Become A Better Parent, Be A Philosopher, Not An Expert

American educator and unschooling advocate John Holt was a proponent of “growing without schooling.” In an interview in 1984 with Robert Gilman, Holt described the difference between working with kids and working on kids. The former is coming up with stuff that’s so interesting kids of their own free will come up to us to learn how to do it. The latter is doing things to kids or making them do things that we think would be good for them. Unfortunately, Holt met many more teachers who wanted to work on kids rather than work with kids. 

Holt made the comparison between a philosopher and an expert. A philosopher seeks to empower learners. An expert tries to make learners dependent on him. The difference between a teacher wanting to work with, rather than on, kids holds true with parents too. Many parents impart knowledge to their kids instead of empowering their kids to figure out things on their own. These parents don’t realise that the essence of teaching (or being a parent, for that matter) is getting a child to a point where they don’t need you. 

John Holt’s interviewer Robert Gilman shared a personal story about his 12 year old son’s experience growing without schooling. What started off as homeschooling through a correspondence course eventually turned into free-form unschooling after Gilman ditched the correspondence course. Somewhat unexpectedly, Gilman’s son developed more focused interests, spent more time with his baby sister, and became more helpful within the family, after Gilman made the switch from homeschooling to unschooling. 

Gilman’s son’s unschooling journey has an interesting twist because his son eventually asked to go back to school. I won’t spoil the story, but if there is one takeaway from Gilman’s personal anecdote, it is this

As parents, it is far easier to give our kids the answer than to watch them struggle through  a problem. But each time we give them the answer, we are depriving them of an opportunity to be empowered, to figure things out for themselves. 

Be a philosopher, not an expert. 

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Till the next issue!